Now, normally I travel Business Class only when someone else is paying for it [g], or when conditions seem to warrant the extra expense. In this case, it was the latter.
Vilnius is one of those places where you can’t get there from here–wherever “here” is. It takes a minimum of three flights (and 22 hours) to get there, and two weeks before I left, the nice person who was making my travel arrangements apologized for the delay, saying that it was -30 degrees F., and “too cold for anybody to do anything.” Nothing daunted, I put gloves and wooly hat in the pockets of my big down coat, loaded three new novels onto my Kindle (Deborah Crombie’s NO MARK ON HER, Kim Harrison’s PERFECT BLOOD, and Susan Elizabeth Phillips’s NOBODY’S BABY BUT MINE–all really good books, btw), put three Russell Stover Coconut Cream Easter Eggs and a hairbrush into my book satchel, with an ARC of Louise Penny’s THE BEAUTIFUL MYSTERY for takeoffs and landings, and set off into the wild blue yonder.
The adventure started off in typical fashion–which is to say that the first flight of this carefully-arranged hegira was cancelled (thus ruining all the other connections). You don’t do a lot of this kind of travel without developing a certain philosophical outlook, though, so I merely ate an easter egg (with Diet Coke; you don’t get through this kind of thing without some source of caffeine, either) and spent a tranquil three and a half hours in the Phoenix airport (flying Biz Class helps the philosophical outlook, since you can go hang out in the airline’s lounge on these occasions; the bathrooms are better, and they usually provide daily papers, snacks, and alcohol), reading NO MARK ON HER, before flying off to Newark (rather than Washington Dulles, as originally scheduled). Began THE BEAUTIFUL MYSTERY, which is very good, though somewhat different from Penny’s usual, in that it involves Chief Inspector Gamache, but is not set in the magical town of Three Pines. Returned to NO MARK, though, as I didn’t want to finish the ARC too soon–a lot of takeoffs and landings still to come.
Well. The connection in Newark to the next leg—to Frankfurt—was only 40 minutes to start with—a long shot, considering that it takes about ten minutes to get to the gate and _off_ the bloody aircraft before even beginning the dash to the next gate (and Newark has roughly 175 gates). But the plane was put in a holding pattern, and by the time we finally landed and taxied _for miles_, my connection time had shrunk to nine minutes, and I was resigned to spending the night in Newark, rebooking _again_, and emailing Vilnius from my iPad to let them know I’d be a hair late.
BUT, what to my wondering eyes should appear, the instant I came out of the jetway, but a nice young gentleman in a suit and a German accent (I was technically on a Lufthansa flight, even though operated by Continental), who seized me, stuffed me into a waiting electric cart and—assuring me that my suitcase was being hastily excavated and would make it, too—dispatched us on a wild career down the terminal, the iron-lunged young lady at the wheel shouting, “BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!” at the oblivious walkers, several of whom avoided instant death only by an adroit leap sideways as we shot past.
I dived into the plane to find the whole German cabin crew standing in the doorway, impatiently glancing at their watches, and thirty seconds after I fell into my seat (leaping over the supine body of my seatmate, who had already put on her sleepmask and reclined at full-length under her blanket), we took off for Frankfurt. Another perk of flying Biz Class is that they offer more or less nonstop alcohol, and a good thing, too. White wine doesn’t really go with easter eggs, but you know, what the heck.
Lufthansa is really just about my favorite airline—insofar as it’s possible to contemplate the word “airline” without shuddering. The food was excellent, the service both amiable and efficient (beyond the alcohol and the warm nuts, one of the little amenities I like flying Biz is the napkins, which are cloth, dazzlingly white, and feature a buttonhole in one corner, so you can button it onto your shirt rather than laying it across your lap and dropping bits of arugula and glazed walnut into your décolletage, or tucking it into your collar and looking like you wuz born in a barn), and the seats really cool: each one was sort of sequestered in its own little cocoon of plastic, within which it adjusted everywhichway, so it doesn’t make any difference whether the person in front of you reclines or not.
I’m so accustomed to random sleeping that I don’t bother trying to readjust my metabolism when flying; I just take homeopathic No-Jet-Lag tablets and sleep when I’m tired. I wasn’t tired at this point, so went through the available movies—new to newish releases, but a pretty dismal looking crop—and watched Part I of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.” Boringly incoherent, with indifferent acting and good special effects. Let us just say I now have zero desire to see Part II. After all, I read the book; I know how it ends.
Astonishingly enough, we landed in time for me to make the connection with my _original_ Frankfort-to-Vilnius flight, in spite of having to go through Passport Kontrolle in Frankfort and make my way from one end of the place to the next—pausing _en route_ to purchase a small bottle of Cola Light (this is supposed to be Diet Coke, but it really isn’t; it’s Coke Zero. Still, it works, and I’m not inclined to be fussy after twenty hours on the road) for the extortionate price of three euros (one small benefit to constant travel is that I have small amounts of all kinds of odd currencies on hand, emptied out of my pockets after trips, and therefore usually have enough on landing to get me a snack and a cab-ride before I have to change money–_really_ useful, if landing at a small airport in the middle of the night. Frankfurt is _not_ a small airport, btw. It’s about like O’Hare in terms of size and complexity, but much, much better run. They were having a ground strike at the time—this is what caused my first flight to be canceled; the plane I was scheduled to be on couldn’t get _out_ of Frankfurt—but were moving people with great dispatch, little congestion, and no public riots. Or maybe they just don’t let members of the public abuse the staff).
And so I landed in Vilnius pretty much on time, to find that the temperature had risen, the snow was slushy, the skies gray—i.e., much like February in Flagstaff (where I grew up), as I kept reassuring my apologetic hosts—and the baggage claim area sported a large poster proudly informing all and sundry that Vilnius is “the Gender-Equality Capital of Europe!”
And the morning and the evening and the morning again and part of the afternoon were the First Day. _Now_ I was tired.
OMG..what a trip! Just a comment about the last Harry Potter movie….it’s absolutely the best one yet!! I agree that part I was a bit boring – it was mostly set up for part II. Part II was AWESOME! Just my humble opinion. Good travels to you! Hope your home trip was (is) better!
Hilarious. Diana, your adventures are always so interesting to read! Thank you.
Can’t wait for part two!
Judie
Those easter eggs are divine and can go with just about any beverage out there. Yum! I can’t shake the mental visual of you leaping over your seatmate on the Lufthansa flight.
Not to mention the nice young man stuffing you into the electric cart. So fun to read and can’t wait to hear more!
Sounds like a crazy flight! I’m glad you had the same thoughts about Coke Light and Coke Zero.
I had a whole debate over the fact that it was Coke Zero in Barcelona.
Happy travels and a safe flight(s) home.
That totally made me laugh! The glamour of the life of a famous author.
But…HP and the Deathly Hallows 2 is the best one of the whole series. Alan Rickman deserves ALL of the Oscars. It totally blew my socks off, and the only other time a piece of fiction made me cry that much was when Claire went back through the stones. So…don’t give up on HP just yet, please! 
Fantastic account of your travel travails! Looking forward to learning more about the rest of your adventures.
Kindest regards
Jane
I agree, Lufthansa is by far my favorite airline. They even gave out sandwiches in the airport in Berlin when they were running a bit late. Can’t complain about that. However, if you are in the poor seats (which I was) and you have a man with horrible dandruff sitting in front of you with his seat reclined and you have your tray down trying to enjoy a snack or a drink. Well, lets just say you have to throw the drink away and just try to go to sleep because Mr. Flaky is flaking all over your tray and um, it’s gross. So yea, business class sounds wonderful! oh and the airport in Frankfurt is HUGE!
What is an “ARC?” I assume it is some sort of advanced copy. I am very jealous, I love Louise Penny, though I do so love the books set in Three Pines. Glad you are back and I look forward to hearing more about your trip.
Dear Aimee–
“ARC” is “Advanced Reading Copy”–it’s essentially a (really) cheaply-bound copy of the uncorrected galleys of a book, sent out prior to publication to reviewers and potential sources of cover quotes.
–Diana
Thanks for sharing, I agree that nonstop alcohol is a nice way to travel- And “…like you wuz born in a barn” is still cracking me up LOL!!!
Nothing like a DG travelogue! Thanks for the update… entertaining as always.
Diana, Someday I hope before he retires, my husband will sit next to you on an airplane. He (and I when I fly with him all over this planet — which is not often, thank God) has experienced all of what you wrote above, sometimes in spades. He comes home with “wonderful”??? stories and makes me laugh and also makes me glad that I’m not always with him. He has been on planes (this happened shortly after 9/11) where suddenly two men got up and got off for no obvious reason at all. That meant that ALL of the passengers AND luggage had to get off the plane and go through security again. Nothing was found but that made him miss all of his connections.
I’m glad to know that you are back home again and look forward to more adventure tales. You write kind of like you talk and I could read and listen to you anytime!!!
Having flown back and forth from Rochester, NY to Dulles to Vienna to Pristina (Kosovo) several time to teach, I can sooooooooooooo relate. Actually, my favorite airline is Air Austria. Unlimited wine!
Love reading your travelogue – will lo0k forward to the next installment! BTW, I am a big fan of Diet Coke also, and do not care for Coke Zero. But, like you, I would have dealt with it.
Diana, I do not know where you get your energy girl, I will have to continue living these adventures thru you! Sounds like you had a wonderful time, I hope you will post some pics for us as well.
Dear Diana,
Funny you should mention NOBODY’S BABY BUT MINE, I literally finished it this afternoon. I devoured all of Susan Elizabeth Phillips books after reading somewhere (probably while lurking on Compuserve) that she was one of your favorite Romance Writers. I have never been much of a romance reader, but took the chance on her novels because of your praise of her work. I love her characters, her sense of humor and the fact that I teared up at some point in each book. I did not read them in order. As for NOBODY’S BABY, I love Annie, the old mountain-woman grandmother. I’m on the waiting list at the library for her book THE GREAT ESCAPE coming out this summer. You didn’t get a chance to review it did you? Welcome home!
Amanda
Diana,
Has anyone ever told you that you are great at telling a story? I love reading your blog, as for me it is almost as good as reading one of your books. It IS your writing after all!
Hello Diana – my husband was also blessed with traveling to Vilnius back in about 2007 or 2008. He was not quite as lucky as you with his luggage! He was hired to be part of a conference on how to decommission & demolish the Chernobyl Nuclear site with his sponsor being the respected I.A.E.A. They also bought him a ticket in business class which was wonderful! Unfortunately his luggage was NOT treated as well as yours:-) My poor husband did not get his luggage for six days! Lets just say that he came home, after shopping in the limited availability of stores there, with some very interesting underwear, socks, & also with strange looking sweaters! I believe he tried to stick with the same pants for at least 5 days!!
I did not go with him on this trip because it was a very industrial location. Frankly, I am happy & sad at the same time. He loved some of the places they took him but did not enjoy the cold showers he was forced to take because the town forgot to pay their gas bill!
That trip was my husband’s second trip for the same purpose but his last. He declined the next invitation from the I.A.E.A.!
Traveling to an ex-Soviet Republic can certainly be a challenge!
Love your writing!
Beth
I heard this was a fantastic post and of course they are right. My dear, dear lady you leave me in stitches. Please do make it to Dragon Con. That is one state away and I’ll make the small trip in a heartbeat if you’ll be there.
You know I saw “warm nuts” and I thought, how much more they must be appreciated in Vilnius. *g* Glad you had a nice safe, if not hectic trip, and are home in your own bed!!!!!
Oh, I just realized no Starbucks Hot Chocolate!
Thanks for the giggles, enjoyed your post immensely and thanks also for the e-book suggestions, will have to quickly finish Elizabeth George’s latest so that I can try them out. (: