I drove up from Scottsdale to my old family place in Flagstaff yesterday. On car trips where I’m driving, I usually listen either to CD’s or the radio—thanks to my husband, I have Sirius radio, and thus can choose from the BBC (love the accents, as well as the different world views you get), any kind of music one can think of, or the Usual Suspects in terms of domestic news. Given the hair-raising state of current affairs, I was mostly listening to the domestic channels. Which have advertising.
Now, I don’t really mind hearing guff about credit-counseling agencies, truck-driving companies, or male-enhancement products (the best was one I heard last week, while driving with my husband: a “lotion-based” enhancement “guaranteed to increase your size as soon as you rub it in!” My husband nearly died laughing). I do, however, draw the line at the ads for colon cleansers.
I don’t know if they’re all the same company under different product names, but they all have the same script. Their product, they assure you, will rid you of, “the ten to twenty-five pounds of UNDIGESTED WASTE that some experts say is stuck to the walls of your colon, like spackle or paste!”
This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this quaint theory; I once visited a massage therapist who earnestly showed me a “scientific booklet” showing cross-sectional illustrations of the large intestine, looking like a kitchen drain clogged by ever-increasing grease deposits.
Now, look…
Were y’all not paying attention in Junior High biology, when the gross anatomy and general function of the large intestine were explained? Evidently a lot of people weren’t.
For starters, stand in front of a mirror and open your mouth. You are looking at one end of your digestive system. Do you see food sticking to the back of your throat? I sincerely hope not. OK, do you know why food is not sticking to the back of your throat?
Because it is slippery! Yes, very good. And why is it slippery? Because the back of your throat (and the inside of your nose, just for good measure) is lined with a mucous membrane. That means the tissue there is equipped with a large number of cells that produce….yes, indeedy, mucus! Mucus is exceedingly slippery. Slimy, even. Stuff does not stick to it.
All right. Stop-press news here: your whole, entire intestinal system is lined by this same mucous membrane. If food isn’t sticking at the top of your alimentary canal, it isn’t sticking at the bottom, either. No spackle.
No twenty-five pounds of undigested food, either. Now, even if you take my word for it that “undigested waste” (which is a contradiction in terms; if it hasn’t been digested, it isn’t waste; it’s just chewed-up food. Believe me, you would notice if you were excreting undigested food) is not sticking to the walls of your large intestine, it might be argued that if your colon were especially sluggish, glop might be lollygagging around in there, making you weigh more.
It might be argued, but that isn’t true, either, and it’s pretty dang easy to prove it. You know the colonoscopy that you’re supposed to get when you turn 50, and every so often thereafter? Well, before a doctor goes sticking an endoscope up your rear end, he or she would like to make sure of having an unobstructed view. To this end, the preparation for a colonoscopy involves drinking a solution of a liquid containing magnesium, which is a powerful laxative. You can buy this stuff in any drug store; it’s called Fleet, and it’s utterly revolting. But effective. It will remove everything in your colon within a few hours. And if you—out of a spirit of scientific inquiry—should happen to weigh yourself before and after this process, you will note that you do not—alas—lose ten to twenty-five pounds. You might—temporarily—lose one. If you drink enough water to kill the taste, you’ll probably—temporarily—gain weight.
If you have any doubts, ask the medical personnel who do your colonoscopy if they noticed any spackle-like deposits clinging to the walls of your colon. If they did, I bet they’d mention it.
I haven’t looked at the ingredient list of any of these products—I’ve never even seen one in the flesh—but I’d bet money that magnesium is one of, if not the, main ingredient. Taking two 500 mg magnesium tablets (which will cost you about 6 cents) will do anything one of these colon-cleansers does, I assure you. (I take magnesium tablets for occasional migraines—along with three aspirin and a nice glass of white wine, plus a schmear of Tiger Balm on temples and under nose. Treatment for migraines is highly idiosyncratic; I don’t recommend this for anybody else, but it usually works for me. But that’s how I know about the other effects of magnesium tablets.)
Putting aside the question of their supposed physiological basis, which is utter nonsense, do these colon-cleansers actually work, in terms of weight loss?
Well, yeah, they probably do—if used as directed. My chiropractor (hey, writing for a living is physically destructive; I have major arthritis in my neck, and my spine looks like I’m playing Twister, even while sitting down) once tried one of these “cleanser” regimes, and was so enthused, he was recommending it to all his clients.
“Yeah?” I said. “What do you do?”
“Oh,” he said, “it’s easy! Three days a week, you just drink the cleanser crystals, in juice or water or whatever. I’ve lost ten pounds in a month!”
“Great!” I said. “And you eat normally while you do this?”
“Oh, no,” he said. “You don’t eat on the days you take the cleanser.”
[pause]
“Jeffrey,” I said, when he had stopped twisting my head, “you are losing weight because you’ve cut your caloric intake in half. You’d get the same effect if you just didn’t eat solid food every other day.”
He didn’t believe me, of course. But I hope you will. Drink water, eat less (but whatever you do eat should have fiber), and save your money, is my advice. And listen to the BBC. It’s soothing to realize that the world is bigger than Wall Street and Washington.
I just heard that commercial in the car yesterday. Glad to hear my initial gut reaction (pun intended) was right.
ROFL – I love it!
Judie
I am sorry, I cannot use the colon cleansing… I think I took care of my problems with the Kinoki foot pads. (Very Big Grin!) Another rip-off product!!!
We have to re-teach/re-introduce the scientific method in our Intro. to Horticulture class too…. college students. We have many students who are Liberal Arts majors and haven’t had a science class so long that they have forgotten most everything basic.
I am sure a lot of hubbies would like that rub on lotion! : ) That is if their wives were doing the rubbing on part.
Vicki
Diana, You are supposed to be working on ECHO, the graphic novel, and your other works, surely you don’t need to concern yourself with colon cleansers!! Can’t you tell I’m counting the days till your next book comes out?
Dear Chrissy–
Well, as I may have noted elsewhere from time to time–I work on ECHO pretty much all the time. The fact that I occasionally put down words about some other topic is no more relevant to this process than the fact that I occasionally stop to eat lunch.
We all hope that when you stop to eat lunch, it’s a fiber-filled one [evil, evil grin].
Dear Karen–
Turkey with walnuts. And bleu-cheese dressing. [g]
Diana,
You are making me hungry!!!!
And… Chrissy, she did say that she was listening to this on the radio while driving. ; ) Who knows, this may someday revisit us in one of the books (grin!)
Diana… something funny…. This weekend was our big Feast of the Hunter’s Moon… ‘hometown’ re-enactment festival. After Saturday closed I had to take DS#2 to Wal-Mart to buy bigger shoes (hard to afford period correct shoes for those whose feet are still growing). I was still wearing my 18C clothing and he was still in his, which included a kilt. The cashier looked at me and said ‘You must be with the Feast!’ I said yes, but thought after I left I should have said, “No, we are time travelers!” That would have gotten a look! : )
Dear Diana,
You stop for lunch??? Holy Cow, next thing you’ll be saying you stop to sleep. (Hrmph!) [g]
I have a pretty darn good memory, and some time ago you said that you often write pieces of different things because it prevents writing block. Is there anything else you’ve written a bit of lately? I know ECHO’s #1 (and am happy for that) but what else has been tapping on the back of your head these days?
Hi Diana
Hah I just read your homepage and I cant believe that anyone could harass you about being stingy with your next book. On a good note though I actually enjoyed reading about the very complicated process you go through to get a book on the shelves. This in turn lead me to seek out your podcasts and those were fantastic as well.
You do so much more than just write. Thank you!
Dear Tess–
Bits of nonfiction, for the most part; essays, interviews, analyses…blog and website entries. [g]
ECHO’s got critical mass, now–and _has_ to be the main focus of the fictional energy for the next few months.
Dear Livia–
You’re welcome! [g]
Speaking of podcasts … I found the one on your website the other night – has anyone ever told you that you have what I would describe as a “rich” voice? Kind of like caramel, which I know is a weird description, but true nonetheless.
Dear Karen–
Well, that’s a nice description. [g] The last description of my voice that I read was, “whisky running over gravel.” You should hear me when I have a cold–that’s all I can say!
Who on earth would waste good whiskey by pouring it over gravel???!!!
Diana~
More than once I have pondered how long it takes you to write a rant of this sort and the one posted on your website about the publishing process. Are these written extemporaneously or are they thought-out, given great consideration, word choices mulled over and such? I love when you do it, just so long as they’re not directed at me — the Catholic-school-educated child in me sits up straight with hands folded in front every time!
Midge
Dear merrymags–
Oh, they’re fairly _extempore_, though I do do the back-and-forth craft thing to be sure they’re clear and euphonious. [g]
And I normally sit on a rant for a day or two and re-read before sending, so as to be sure that if it offends anyone, it won’t do so by accident.
“……if it offends anyone, it won’t do so by accident.”
Bwahaha! Ha! Ha! Ha! You are wonderful.
Midge
Good heavens, no, why would you want to offend someone by accident when you could have the pleasure of doing so on purpose [hee hee]. I think if a few of us on this blog ever got together in person (with Herself, of course) we could get into LOTS of trouble [wink, wink]
This is in response to Vicki's post about going to the Feast of the Hunter's Moon this past weekend. My husband and I and our daughter, who is a senior at Purdue, were there on Sun.! We've gone the past 3 years. In fact, I went there for a field trip when I was in 8th grade. I've read before that you work at Purdue in the Ag Dept.? My daughter started out pre-vet then did a 180 and is now double majoring in Comparative Literature and Medieval & Renaissance Studies.
The battle re-enactment reminded me of Willie or really John Gray. What were you dressed up in? Does your whole family dress-up? My friend, Mary Weeks, does the side-saddle demo there.