I drove up from Scottsdale to my old family place in Flagstaff yesterday. On car trips where I’m driving, I usually listen either to CD’s or the radio—thanks to my husband, I have Sirius radio, and thus can choose from the BBC (love the accents, as well as the different world views you get), any kind of music one can think of, or the Usual Suspects in terms of domestic news. Given the hair-raising state of current affairs, I was mostly listening to the domestic channels. Which have advertising.
Now, I don’t really mind hearing guff about credit-counseling agencies, truck-driving companies, or male-enhancement products (the best was one I heard last week, while driving with my husband: a “lotion-based” enhancement “guaranteed to increase your size as soon as you rub it in!” My husband nearly died laughing). I do, however, draw the line at the ads for colon cleansers.
I don’t know if they’re all the same company under different product names, but they all have the same script. Their product, they assure you, will rid you of, “the ten to twenty-five pounds of UNDIGESTED WASTE that some experts say is stuck to the walls of your colon, like spackle or paste!”
This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this quaint theory; I once visited a massage therapist who earnestly showed me a “scientific booklet” showing cross-sectional illustrations of the large intestine, looking like a kitchen drain clogged by ever-increasing grease deposits.
Now, look…
Were y’all not paying attention in Junior High biology, when the gross anatomy and general function of the large intestine were explained? Evidently a lot of people weren’t.
For starters, stand in front of a mirror and open your mouth. You are looking at one end of your digestive system. Do you see food sticking to the back of your throat? I sincerely hope not. OK, do you know why food is not sticking to the back of your throat?
Because it is slippery! Yes, very good. And why is it slippery? Because the back of your throat (and the inside of your nose, just for good measure) is lined with a mucous membrane. That means the tissue there is equipped with a large number of cells that produce….yes, indeedy, mucus! Mucus is exceedingly slippery. Slimy, even. Stuff does not stick to it.
All right. Stop-press news here: your whole, entire intestinal system is lined by this same mucous membrane. If food isn’t sticking at the top of your alimentary canal, it isn’t sticking at the bottom, either. No spackle.
No twenty-five pounds of undigested food, either. Now, even if you take my word for it that “undigested waste” (which is a contradiction in terms; if it hasn’t been digested, it isn’t waste; it’s just chewed-up food. Believe me, you would notice if you were excreting undigested food) is not sticking to the walls of your large intestine, it might be argued that if your colon were especially sluggish, glop might be lollygagging around in there, making you weigh more.
It might be argued, but that isn’t true, either, and it’s pretty dang easy to prove it. You know the colonoscopy that you’re supposed to get when you turn 50, and every so often thereafter? Well, before a doctor goes sticking an endoscope up your rear end, he or she would like to make sure of having an unobstructed view. To this end, the preparation for a colonoscopy involves drinking a solution of a liquid containing magnesium, which is a powerful laxative. You can buy this stuff in any drug store; it’s called Fleet, and it’s utterly revolting. But effective. It will remove everything in your colon within a few hours. And if you—out of a spirit of scientific inquiry—should happen to weigh yourself before and after this process, you will note that you do not—alas—lose ten to twenty-five pounds. You might—temporarily—lose one. If you drink enough water to kill the taste, you’ll probably—temporarily—gain weight.
If you have any doubts, ask the medical personnel who do your colonoscopy if they noticed any spackle-like deposits clinging to the walls of your colon. If they did, I bet they’d mention it.
I haven’t looked at the ingredient list of any of these products—I’ve never even seen one in the flesh—but I’d bet money that magnesium is one of, if not the, main ingredient. Taking two 500 mg magnesium tablets (which will cost you about 6 cents) will do anything one of these colon-cleansers does, I assure you. (I take magnesium tablets for occasional migraines—along with three aspirin and a nice glass of white wine, plus a schmear of Tiger Balm on temples and under nose. Treatment for migraines is highly idiosyncratic; I don’t recommend this for anybody else, but it usually works for me. But that’s how I know about the other effects of magnesium tablets.)
Putting aside the question of their supposed physiological basis, which is utter nonsense, do these colon-cleansers actually work, in terms of weight loss?
Well, yeah, they probably do—if used as directed. My chiropractor (hey, writing for a living is physically destructive; I have major arthritis in my neck, and my spine looks like I’m playing Twister, even while sitting down) once tried one of these “cleanser” regimes, and was so enthused, he was recommending it to all his clients.
“Yeah?” I said. “What do you do?”
“Oh,” he said, “it’s easy! Three days a week, you just drink the cleanser crystals, in juice or water or whatever. I’ve lost ten pounds in a month!”
“Great!” I said. “And you eat normally while you do this?”
“Oh, no,” he said. “You don’t eat on the days you take the cleanser.”
[pause]
“Jeffrey,” I said, when he had stopped twisting my head, “you are losing weight because you’ve cut your caloric intake in half. You’d get the same effect if you just didn’t eat solid food every other day.”
He didn’t believe me, of course. But I hope you will. Drink water, eat less (but whatever you do eat should have fiber), and save your money, is my advice. And listen to the BBC. It’s soothing to realize that the world is bigger than Wall Street and Washington.
What did Barnum write? There’s a sucker born every minute? And these ‘experts’ know exactly how to coerce them into wasting their money on this stuff…
Oh, and by the way, I thought your hubby laughing at that particular commercial was a stitch! Hello! Physics and response!
I think I’ve learned more from you (history, writing, colon care) than any other person I’ve never met face to face. (g)
That last sentence made my day.
Thank you.
I moved to the U.S. last year, and one of my favorite activities since then has been mocking the commercials. They just seem a lot more stupid than I’ve seen anywhere else… as evidenced by this post.
Thanks for the laughs!
I enjoy visiting Reuters World news page to get wordly opinions on the U.S. They certainly don’t take us as seriously as we take ourselves!! When visiting the Scotland page, there use to be a wonderful “picture of the day” album where people from all over the world posted their pictures of Scotland but I haven’t been able to find it lately.
Loved that entry
I’ve wondered about that stuff too, and you make some good arguments there. I’ve actually forwarded it to my sister who is obsessed with the colon-cleanse-stuff.
thanks,
1. Snot is good.
2. Clearing the intestinal tract clears the good (and bad) bacteria in it. So clearing is not necessarily A GOOD THING.
3. Re: William’s adventure in the Great Dismal Swamp…. Alders aren’t native in the east except for Seaside Alder, and I’m betting it occurs next to the ocean. (A Guide to Field Identification Trees of North America) I think willows put out suckers that William could pull up, but not sure. He definitely shouldn’t plant it over a septic tank.
Pretty please keep the teasers coming.
I love it when you rant.
As a nurse, I also have listened to these commercials and shaken my head! I have looked at the ingredients on copy cat products at the store and most of it is the same stuff that is in Metamucil-which is a stool softener and made to bulk up your "waste". Taking a lot of laxatives would do the same-clean out your system, give you cramps & diarrhea (probably) and you'd lose weight-for the day, until you start eating again and back it would come!
Marsha
Yup, between this and the Butt Cooties, I’m good to go. {g}
Most evenings I drink a warm drink of lemon-flavored Cal-Mac (simply calcium and magnesium) for relaxation too, and it takes care of any “problems” I might have in that area… magnesium is a wonderful drug. Thanks for the explanation for why! I was reading in ABOSAA about the pleasant fragrance of myrtle, and looked into my essential oil book and found out that not only does it have a very pleasant fragrance, it is great for colds and other upper respiratory problems too, so I ordered a bottle of that for cold season!
–Debbie in San Diego
Well, I wasn’t expecting that… funny and informative rant though. Can’t believe people are buying that stuff. Hey, I have some Tennessee beach property for sale? Anyone interested?
A few years ago my brother-in-law’s inlaws decided to close off half of the barber shop/beauty salon they were running and turn the other half into an herbal shop. His mother in law became a ~Certified Colonic Specialist~ (and she cut hair too!) and they added a Colonic Room to their small town herbal store. OK…I _had_ to see it for myself. There was an impressive chair that looked like a big dentist’s chair, but with an opening at the, um, seated part of it. And they used a large clear plastic tube so that customers could ~see~ the “impurities” that were being cleansed from their systems. (Oh, how nice.) At the time the big rage was the ~Coffee Cleansings” (because they wouldn’t dare use the term _enema_). My brother in law was parroting the same story on Diana’s blog about the ick that remains in the colon for _years_ due to the “Horrible American Diet.” (rolling eyes) It was $55 a pop for an herbal-caffeine “cleansing session.” My response, “No thanks, I eat my wheat flakes, and coffee works just fine applied at the _other_ end.” (g)
Tess
Thanks, Diana! How refreshing to read a rant on colonics! I wish people would just think about things a little before rushing off and buying the latest “in” thing. They would certainly save a ton of money. Have you heard the commercial for a breast enhancement cream? It’s been around for at least 5 years and yet plastic surgeons seem to be doing brisk business regardless.
De-lurking to shake my head at how many people apparently slept through freshman high school biology. Between colon cleansing & butt-cooties, the gullibles out there have probably developed split personalities trying to decide whether or not it's in their best interest to have a bowel movement. It truly astounds me just how many people decide to check basic scientific knowledge at the door when faced with low-grade mass hysteria induced by urban legends and their ilk. Of course, this leads one to assume that these people are the same ones who decided long ago that science is the root of all evil and that everyone from their neighbor to the government is "out to get them". To borrow a line from the TV show "King of the Hill" – "That's what they want you to believe."
Needless to say, my two girls will receive a firm education in science, logic, and skepticism.
As a nurse and consumer, I wholeheartedly agree with you. I watch those infomercials with amazement that people are making money on this load of crap, no pun intended! You said it better than anyone could.
What a fun read! I love that I’ll never know what will show up here. And you made me stop and think.
As usual Diana you gave me the laugh of the day.
I just had a colonoscopy last month. I didn’t lose a single pound and the doctor didn’t find any spackle.
We could pay off the national debt with the money people spent on enhancing their body parts. We are forever looking for the “fountain of youth”. Isn’t it the American way…bigger and better.
Dear Tess–
Eww, how revolting. [giggling nonetheless] Now, owing to the absorptive nature of the large intestine (you know this already, but for those who _did_ sleep through Jr. High biology–the large intestine’s chief role in digestion is to resorb water from the liquified waste passing through), it actually _will_ absorb some substances–and caffeine probably is one of them. So it’s possible that the recipients of the coffee enema did experience a “boost”–but as you say, there are easier ways to do that. [g]
Interesting historical note: A few years ago, I saw a TV special on the death of Marilyn Monroe, analyzing her autopsy results–which showed a high concentration of phenobarbitol, all right…in the large intestine. But not higher up the digestive tract, which is Very Odd.
The show’s hypothesis was that either Bobby Kennedy (who apparently visited her that day, with a companion) or the Kennedy family goons, had given the poor woman a phenobarbitol enema, thus causing her overdose. Which was an interesting idea, if not conclusive.
gatorperson–
Thanks! “Alder” was just a place-holder for posting the excerpt; the actual manuscript has “[ ]” there [g], since verifying the vegetation for an area is one of the late things I do in a manuscript–I do a search for all the empty square brackets, and look up what needs to be in them. Some of ‘em don’t get filled until the copy-edit. I’ll make a note to check “willow,” though I have some reservations about using willow for a frog-spear; if I’m not mistaken, one of willow’s chief characteristics is that it’s very flexible–hence its use in basket-making. Still…a sapling large enough to make a speak might have enough backbone (so to speak [g]) to be effective.
Dear Katrina–
I am constantly astonished at how many people have never got past the Victorian (and that’s not hyperbole; it really is a Victorian attitude) notion that imputes not only speciousness but morality (or lack of it) to the name of science.
You know–the idea that “science” is just another crackpot idea, and no more valid than the current “-ism” of the day.
How did these people avoid being taught what the scientific method _is_, in school? If they’d ever learned it, they’d know precisely what it is and what its value is–and they wouldn’t be rushing around wild-eyed, trying to prevent “science” from “being crammed down own children’s throats!”
Simple idiocy. [shaking head]