A BRIEF DISQUISITION ON THE EXISTENCE OF BUTT-COOTIES (Gentlemen, kindly avert your eyes)
What with one thing and another, I’ve spent a lot of time in public restrooms. And, having been a scientist in my previous professional incarnation, I can’t help observing things, and drawing statistical inferences. Which is why I am in a position to inform you that roughly half the female population of the US suffer from the twin delusions that 1) butt-cooties exist, and 2) they will, given half a chance, leap several inches from a toilet seat and burrow into the skin of an unsuspecting buttock, resulting in scrofula, assorted STD’s, herpes, and probably leprosy.
I draw these conclusions from the fact that roughly half the time I enter a public restroom cubicle, I observe that the previous user has peed on the seat. Ladies…
I can only guess that at some point in an impressionable youth, these women were told by some female authority figure that One Must Never SIT On A Public Toilet, “because you might catch something.” Firmly indoctrinated with this policy, they do not sit on public toilets. They hover. Ladies, ladies…
Look. The skin of the buttocks is actually pretty germ-free, owing to the fact that we normally keep them covered and don’t (usually) touch other people, animals, etc. with them. Your butt is much cleaner—microbially-speaking—than are your hands.
Various studies of the bacterial content of public restrooms indicate that there are a
In order actually to catch one of the communicable diseases with which excrement or other bodily fluids are associated, two things would have to occur: 1) the bodily fluid of an infected person would have to be applied to the toilet seat (which would not happen, if said person would sit her bottom on the potty where it belongs and not spray the thing like a hippopotamus), and 2) an uninfected person’s mucous membranes must come in contact with said fluids, within the few seconds that most bacteria and virii can survive outside the human body. You don’t have mucous membranes on your buttocks.
Now, by and large, urine really doesn’t contain all that many bacteria (Male urine contains almost none, owing to the fact that its exit is, um, less impeded by surrounding tissue. A good many alchemical and medical recipes up through the early 19th century require “urine of a newborn male child” as an ingredient—this being the most sterile water available). Feces…well, yes. And I have in fact encountered the Really Nasty evidence that there are not only seat-pee-ers, but also seat-poopers (to say nothing of the occasional person who is so afraid of physically encountering a public toilet that they actually don’t hit it at all, and leave the evidence of their mental derangement on the floor of the facility), but this is fortunately rare.
All right. In periods of heavy traffic, one might possibly encounter a live bacterium or virus present in the urine that some inconsiderate idiot has left on a toilet seat. Not likely, but faintly possible. Are you going to encounter it with your mucous membranes? Not unless your excretory habits are both Highly Athletic and Dang Unusual.
OK. So if the risk of catching a bacterial or viral disease by sitting on a dry toilet seat is negligible, then plainly, the Thing to Fear must be…Butt-cooties!
Traveling as much as I do, I am in a position to collect international data, albeit in an anecdotal and unstandardized manner. On the basis of such casual observation, though, I hypothesize that while butt-cooties presently have a fairly wide global distribution, they probably originated in the
(Point of etiquette: ought one to meet the eyes of, and/or nod to, a person emerging from a toilet cubicle that one proposes to enter? Common politeness would argue for such cordial acknowledgement—but if the next few seconds reveal that the departing patron was possessed of butt-cooties, this might lead one to think harsh and unchristian thoughts of said person, and surely it’s worse to think unchristian thoughts (WWJD? I’m pretty sure He wouldn’t pee on a public toilet seat, and if He did, He would certainly wipe it off. Ditto the Buddha, and doubtless any other religious figure you care to name) about someone whose face is imprinted in your short-term memory, than of an unknown quantity.)
In fact, we might hypothesize the geographical origin of butt-cooties as having occurred in or near
Well, there’s no arguing with psychological aberration, and thus I make no attempt to persuade Those Who See Butt-Cooties away from their convictions. I would, though, urge them—in the most kindly manner—to address the results of their antisocial psychosis, and thus leave them with this classic advice:
“If you sprinkle when you tinkle—
Please be neat, and wipe the seat.”
Do you know this toilet seats that circle around themselves to get cleaned when you have flushed?
Was that understanabel? I don’t know exactly how to explain it in another way.
The children love these toilets and always want to flush.
Amen, sister!!!! Finally, someone scientifically backs up what I’ve been saying for years!
For heaven’s sake, people, please park your posteriors on the toilet seats and stop spraying them like a cat marking its territory!
thank you thank you thank you for posting this! I think the last two lines should be posted on the back of every stall door in a public restroom!
I also don’t understand why there are no lids on public toilets considering whatever in the toilet gets sprayed into a fine mist in an upward direction when you flush…
lmao. You are so right. We should be more concerned about dirty fingernails than Bum Germs.
In all seriousness I did see a picture of a girl in her 20s who had been the casualty of a broken toilet as she stood on it – in heels no less. She deeply lacerated her thigh and bottom.It actually looked like a shark bite. The ceramic toilet had broken as she had stood on the rim. Not pretty.
On a FAR lighter note. A Toilet paper issue – Husband has 3 females to contend with and moaned about the constant need for t/paper in our house.
Reply, courtesy of our 11 year old – “well, we have more to mop up Dad”.
It made me laugh anyway.
I agree. I have never used one of those toilet covers and never will. Now, I need to go cook supper…
Dear Susan–
Dear me! Perhaps that–standing on seats (good grief)–accounts for the mysterious state of some public toilet seats. Often, one will look as though someone took an ice-pick or a hammer to it, and I always wonder what the heck happened?
Thank you so much for all the enrichment you give us with your imagination, humour and anecdotes.
I did tell my husband that you must be working away on the next novel, because you hadn’t blogged in a while. Now, we are on to bathroom habits! HEHE
Well, Diana, if you wanted a survey of North American women’s public restroom habits and phobias, you’ve got one, and with candor!
My mom used to line the toilet seat with tissues. My young twin daughters and I just wipe errant pee drips(although I cringe a little), but my biggest peeve is not being able to cram all three of us into those itty bitty stalls. You see, my girls hate to be locked away by themselves in the stalls-fear of noisy toilet flushing, fear of the door sticking/or not locking properly. The list goes on. The point is, they aren’t made for moms with children in tow. I am NOT acrobatic, but I am sure my girls think Mommy is a contortionist at times.
The next hurdle is how to maintain clean hands after washing but having the main door to contend with.
Finally, there is a British house cleaning show that takes care of homes that have been neglected. They claim most kitchen sinks are more bacteria-infested than the average toilet. It seems that toilets are cleaned more often than sinks. There is something to think about.
Oh yeah… talking about stall sizes… they don’t make regular stalls large enough for big pregnant ladies! I looked like I had a beach ball under my shirt with both of my pregnancies. Nothing like smashing the backs of your legs into the front of the toilet and having the door still rub your belly, while you are trying to bend backwards over the toilet, without falling in!
Vicki
I have spent quite a bit of time in Russia–Moscow and St. Petersburg, with most of my time in Moscow. I am always amazed that there are very often FOOTPRINTS ON the toilet seat. On them. I don’t get it.
I’m currently traveling in California and Washington/Oregon. I’m amazed at the toilet seat covers in EVERY bathroom…and yet, there are still incidents of “accidents” anyway.
Go figure.
Too funny and SO true. What’s even more frustrating is that men have a very bad opinion of women being particularly dirty because of the disgusting state of female toilets. I share a bathroom with at least 8 women, and it is horrendous. And this is AT WORK!! For goodness sake, if you’re that worried buy a $2 bottle of sanitizer and go to town on the seat first! Sheesh ladies, think of your sisters!!!
P.S I was totally convinced ‘WWJD’ stood for what would Jamie do, until the other religious figures were announced. Is it sacrilegious to call Jamie a god?
Jess:
What Would Jamie Do? That’s simple. We’ve seen him “marking his territory” wherever it’s convenient. [g] A bit unsanitary by modern standards, but I don’t see him contributing to the problem. If the toilets were too much of a mess, he’d just pee outside. [g]
Karen
AMEN! As a side note – I had this conversation with a few Scots a few years back. They rolled on the floor with laughter that American women “hover.” They couldn’t think of a more ridiculous thing to do!
Now that was funny! And very educational too. Oh Diana, I have one quick question. When do we get to SEE Jamie? I’m longing to see pictures of him for the graphic novel. My apologies if this has already been answered. I check your website daily (sometimes twice daily) in hopes of finally seeing Himself. Thanks,
-Carolyn
The definition of “COOTIE” is louse. Which means that it is lice. Is a butt cootie any worse than head lice and can you get it off a toilet seat? Or would the hovers kill the lice by spraying the seat? Don’t it make you itch just to think about it.
You always give us variety, Diana! If I encounter a messy seat, I’ll raise it and then use the hover technique. To the poster w/ small children, I use the larger handicapped stalls or I’ve taught the kids to do a military style sound off at some point when we’re using multiple stalls to assure me they’re still close by and safe.
Speaking of disgusting – is there anything more disgusting than someone who uses a public restroom and DOESN’T WASH HER HANDS?!? I mean, really! I work in a college, and I have witnessed people with doctorates either bypass the sink altogether or just run their hand (yes, one hand) under the water. And this in front of witnesses – imagine what they do when they’re in there alone! Yuck! And inevitably, it’s the science teachers who are the worst offenders!!!
Classic!! I encounter this problem all the time and have never understood WHY women cannot sit on the seat. Thanks for your brilliant commentary on this subject!
Thanks for airing one of my pet peeves! In honor of which, I offer the following ditty, suitable for writing on stall walls:
If you sprinkle when you tinkle,
Please be neat; raise the seat!
Another restroom ditty, sometimes seen here in the US mountain west when/where water is scarce:
“If it’s yellow, let it mellow
If it’s brown, flush it down.”
Sorry, had to share that
–Gail
another second line… be a sweetie and wipe the seatee…
I have long held the same opinions re: but cooties! Being a Microbiologist by trade,I have learned to not worry so much about butt-cooties and freak out more about raw meats.
So, I am a rebel… I don’t even use the seat covers. As long as the seat is dry and not filthy, I do without. Saves so much time. And I am still alive and am not infected with all kinds of diseases.