A BRIEF DISQUISITION ON THE EXISTENCE OF BUTT-COOTIES (Gentlemen, kindly avert your eyes)
What with one thing and another, I’ve spent a lot of time in public restrooms. And, having been a scientist in my previous professional incarnation, I can’t help observing things, and drawing statistical inferences. Which is why I am in a position to inform you that roughly half the female population of the US suffer from the twin delusions that 1) butt-cooties exist, and 2) they will, given half a chance, leap several inches from a toilet seat and burrow into the skin of an unsuspecting buttock, resulting in scrofula, assorted STD’s, herpes, and probably leprosy.
I draw these conclusions from the fact that roughly half the time I enter a public restroom cubicle, I observe that the previous user has peed on the seat. Ladies…
I can only guess that at some point in an impressionable youth, these women were told by some female authority figure that One Must Never SIT On A Public Toilet, “because you might catch something.” Firmly indoctrinated with this policy, they do not sit on public toilets. They hover. Ladies, ladies…
Look. The skin of the buttocks is actually pretty germ-free, owing to the fact that we normally keep them covered and don’t (usually) touch other people, animals, etc. with them. Your butt is much cleaner—microbially-speaking—than are your hands.
Various studies of the bacterial content of public restrooms indicate that there are a
In order actually to catch one of the communicable diseases with which excrement or other bodily fluids are associated, two things would have to occur: 1) the bodily fluid of an infected person would have to be applied to the toilet seat (which would not happen, if said person would sit her bottom on the potty where it belongs and not spray the thing like a hippopotamus), and 2) an uninfected person’s mucous membranes must come in contact with said fluids, within the few seconds that most bacteria and virii can survive outside the human body. You don’t have mucous membranes on your buttocks.
Now, by and large, urine really doesn’t contain all that many bacteria (Male urine contains almost none, owing to the fact that its exit is, um, less impeded by surrounding tissue. A good many alchemical and medical recipes up through the early 19th century require “urine of a newborn male child” as an ingredient—this being the most sterile water available). Feces…well, yes. And I have in fact encountered the Really Nasty evidence that there are not only seat-pee-ers, but also seat-poopers (to say nothing of the occasional person who is so afraid of physically encountering a public toilet that they actually don’t hit it at all, and leave the evidence of their mental derangement on the floor of the facility), but this is fortunately rare.
All right. In periods of heavy traffic, one might possibly encounter a live bacterium or virus present in the urine that some inconsiderate idiot has left on a toilet seat. Not likely, but faintly possible. Are you going to encounter it with your mucous membranes? Not unless your excretory habits are both Highly Athletic and Dang Unusual.
OK. So if the risk of catching a bacterial or viral disease by sitting on a dry toilet seat is negligible, then plainly, the Thing to Fear must be…Butt-cooties!
Traveling as much as I do, I am in a position to collect international data, albeit in an anecdotal and unstandardized manner. On the basis of such casual observation, though, I hypothesize that while butt-cooties presently have a fairly wide global distribution, they probably originated in the
(Point of etiquette: ought one to meet the eyes of, and/or nod to, a person emerging from a toilet cubicle that one proposes to enter? Common politeness would argue for such cordial acknowledgement—but if the next few seconds reveal that the departing patron was possessed of butt-cooties, this might lead one to think harsh and unchristian thoughts of said person, and surely it’s worse to think unchristian thoughts (WWJD? I’m pretty sure He wouldn’t pee on a public toilet seat, and if He did, He would certainly wipe it off. Ditto the Buddha, and doubtless any other religious figure you care to name) about someone whose face is imprinted in your short-term memory, than of an unknown quantity.)
In fact, we might hypothesize the geographical origin of butt-cooties as having occurred in or near
Well, there’s no arguing with psychological aberration, and thus I make no attempt to persuade Those Who See Butt-Cooties away from their convictions. I would, though, urge them—in the most kindly manner—to address the results of their antisocial psychosis, and thus leave them with this classic advice:
“If you sprinkle when you tinkle—
Please be neat, and wipe the seat.”
Having been raised by a woman whose bottom never ever touched a public toilet seat, my sister and I have always made a point of sitting. Recently I was out to lunch with an acquaintance, who infromed me in all seriousness that she always flushed with her foot (clad in a sturdy shoe). I was speachless with amazement but then when I thought about it, that makes somewhat more sense than hovering (which she also advocates). I’m sure if she could, she’d turn the latch with her foot, too. Just amazing.
When I was in college (in Chicago) I noticed that the seats in the psychology department always showed evidence of hovering, while those in the art department never did. I chose a career in art. Marjorie
Well, it’s official. My office mates think I’m nuts, for the insane giggling I’m doing over here.
Thank goodness the ladies I work with don’t have these issues! Heck, we pee in horse trailers, barns, stalls…
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/05/06/o.tinkler/index.html
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/05/06/o.tinkler/index.html
Sorry, I was trying to include this link to a similar topic!
THANK YOU!!!! I thought I was the only person gets upset about this. And, those people that leave the seat cover behind. EYUH!
Burlington, Vermont has the sliding plastic on the toilets in their restrooms, too. I’m more concerned with door and faucet handles, so I use the papertowel that I dry my hands with (or shirt) to open shut off water and open doors.
You are the correct in the Ballet term pique’, pronounced “pih-kay.”
Burlington, Vermont has the slidng plastic toilets seats, also. I use a papertowel or hem of shirt to open the door. I’m more paranoid about those than the toilet seat.
You have the “pique’” ballet term correct…pronounced “pih-kay.”
Hee hee. This reminds me of a conversation I had with my friend’s three-year-old granddaughter, Ava. We were at a restaurant and I took her to the bathroom. It went like this:
“Well, sit down and get to business, Ava,”
[horrified look from Ava] “I can’t do that! You have to hold me up. Grammie says…”
“I don’t care what Grammie says. Sit your butt down. I am not holding you above the toilet while you go pee.”
Of course the little rat told on me as soon as we got back to the table.
“Grammie, Aunt Nikki made me sit on the potty! I told her you’d be mad.”
Thanks once again for a delightful read. I always find it very disgusting to have to clean up after someone else when I use the rest room. I hope this makes the hoverers out there think twice before leaving a mess on the seat.
On a related note, my daughter’s microbiology lab TA warned them about the dangers created when flushing…many germs are thrown into the air in aerosol form. Her advice? Don’t hang around to make sure everything goes away, just flush and run!
Of course now I can never use a public restroom without thinking “flush and run, flush and run”, lol.
Ah, DG. A am assuming you wrote this after just emerging from a public toilet with a wet seat! I for one on more than one occassion have wanted to chase down that woman right before me! This pisses me off (pun intended) more than just about anything dealing with public toilets.
Fabulous essay. Should be required reading for every person who will ever use a public restroom. Btw, the Oklahoma City airport (Will Rogers International) also has the sliding plastic covers. Love them!
This was wonderful!!
Harvey’s Resort in Tahoe has the plastic sleeves.
My eight year old dd still is terrified of the automatic toilets and I have to squeeze in the stall with her and cover the sensor with my hand.
But the worst was at this school I worked at had toilets that would “spit” at you when you flushed and you would get dirty toilet water sprayed on you if you didn’t get out of the way fast enough. This was only possible in the handicapped stall.
It was the “hippopotamus” part that got me guffawing out loud…
-Kathy
Now I will think of you and your butt-cooties blog every time I enter the loo. I think someone should invent a seat squeegee that wipes the seat after each use.
For the record I never hover I always line the toilet seat with t.p. I’ve always been a bit frightened when using public restrooms; not of but-cooties but of disease. I am type I diabetic and I used to take my injections in my rear-end (it is the most fleshy/fatty part of my body) sometimes the tiny puncture caused by the needle would bleed- not much. Since the realization that strangers used public restrooms I was always paranoid that one of my little wounds would touch the seat exactly where someone with HIV touched the seat and maybe they had open sores or butt pimples that would infect me. A little far fetched… but I say better safe than sorry. teehehehe.
As a “sitter”, I seem to be in the minority. I have no patience for lining the seat with toilet paper, I hate the burn in my thighs as I hover, and after a quick investigation to ensure that there is no evidence of previous inconsiderate hoverers, I am quite happy to sit myself down and tinkle. That is what the seat is for, ladies. Thanks for confirming what I’ve long known to be true, Diana! I share your frustration.
Amazing what subjects will be broached in this blog. I love it! My husband just rolled his eyes when I told him what we’re all talking about on your site this week.
And for the record, I agree. If you can’t pee straight, go outside!
Diana,
I also sit. My Mom taught me to hover in public restrooms. Well, bah humbug to that! I just make sure the seat is dry before I sit. I know some toilets do spew water up out of them when you flush. And yes, I do find it disgusting for an adult woman to flush a toiled with her foot (in shoe, of course). How childish!!! That is one of the reasons you should WASH your hands after you are finished!
Thanks for the entertaining story!
Vicki
In response to Gail’s daughter’s micro. TA, yes, s/he is correct. That is why I have my tooth brush far away from the toilet. One idea is to close the lid when you flush, but I heard the spray effect last awhile so keep lid shut for a time before lifting.
How many of you are thinking about how to rearrange your powderooms?