A BRIEF DISQUISITION ON THE EXISTENCE OF BUTT-COOTIES (Gentlemen, kindly avert your eyes)
What with one thing and another, I’ve spent a lot of time in public restrooms. And, having been a scientist in my previous professional incarnation, I can’t help observing things, and drawing statistical inferences. Which is why I am in a position to inform you that roughly half the female population of the US suffer from the twin delusions that 1) butt-cooties exist, and 2) they will, given half a chance, leap several inches from a toilet seat and burrow into the skin of an unsuspecting buttock, resulting in scrofula, assorted STD’s, herpes, and probably leprosy.
I draw these conclusions from the fact that roughly half the time I enter a public restroom cubicle, I observe that the previous user has peed on the seat. Ladies…
I can only guess that at some point in an impressionable youth, these women were told by some female authority figure that One Must Never SIT On A Public Toilet, “because you might catch something.” Firmly indoctrinated with this policy, they do not sit on public toilets. They hover. Ladies, ladies…
Look. The skin of the buttocks is actually pretty germ-free, owing to the fact that we normally keep them covered and don’t (usually) touch other people, animals, etc. with them. Your butt is much cleaner—microbially-speaking—than are your hands.
Various studies of the bacterial content of public restrooms indicate that there are a
In order actually to catch one of the communicable diseases with which excrement or other bodily fluids are associated, two things would have to occur: 1) the bodily fluid of an infected person would have to be applied to the toilet seat (which would not happen, if said person would sit her bottom on the potty where it belongs and not spray the thing like a hippopotamus), and 2) an uninfected person’s mucous membranes must come in contact with said fluids, within the few seconds that most bacteria and virii can survive outside the human body. You don’t have mucous membranes on your buttocks.
Now, by and large, urine really doesn’t contain all that many bacteria (Male urine contains almost none, owing to the fact that its exit is, um, less impeded by surrounding tissue. A good many alchemical and medical recipes up through the early 19th century require “urine of a newborn male child” as an ingredient—this being the most sterile water available). Feces…well, yes. And I have in fact encountered the Really Nasty evidence that there are not only seat-pee-ers, but also seat-poopers (to say nothing of the occasional person who is so afraid of physically encountering a public toilet that they actually don’t hit it at all, and leave the evidence of their mental derangement on the floor of the facility), but this is fortunately rare.
All right. In periods of heavy traffic, one might possibly encounter a live bacterium or virus present in the urine that some inconsiderate idiot has left on a toilet seat. Not likely, but faintly possible. Are you going to encounter it with your mucous membranes? Not unless your excretory habits are both Highly Athletic and Dang Unusual.
OK. So if the risk of catching a bacterial or viral disease by sitting on a dry toilet seat is negligible, then plainly, the Thing to Fear must be…Butt-cooties!
Traveling as much as I do, I am in a position to collect international data, albeit in an anecdotal and unstandardized manner. On the basis of such casual observation, though, I hypothesize that while butt-cooties presently have a fairly wide global distribution, they probably originated in the
(Point of etiquette: ought one to meet the eyes of, and/or nod to, a person emerging from a toilet cubicle that one proposes to enter? Common politeness would argue for such cordial acknowledgement—but if the next few seconds reveal that the departing patron was possessed of butt-cooties, this might lead one to think harsh and unchristian thoughts of said person, and surely it’s worse to think unchristian thoughts (WWJD? I’m pretty sure He wouldn’t pee on a public toilet seat, and if He did, He would certainly wipe it off. Ditto the Buddha, and doubtless any other religious figure you care to name) about someone whose face is imprinted in your short-term memory, than of an unknown quantity.)
In fact, we might hypothesize the geographical origin of butt-cooties as having occurred in or near
Well, there’s no arguing with psychological aberration, and thus I make no attempt to persuade Those Who See Butt-Cooties away from their convictions. I would, though, urge them—in the most kindly manner—to address the results of their antisocial psychosis, and thus leave them with this classic advice:
“If you sprinkle when you tinkle—
Please be neat, and wipe the seat.”
heeheehee!
By the way, Off Topic, but on-topic with your recent comments on Homonyms That Drive Me Crazy (on your website), may I also add that “piqué” is a French/Ballet term which I’m told means “to prick” where the pointed toe is touched briefly onto the floor and then lifted up again; it’s also a type of fabric, I think (but I’m not too sure about the spelling there).
Dear Jenereight–
Yes, pique’ (pih-KAY) is a type of fabric. And piquet (also pik-KAY [g]) is a card game.
PK is also the main protagonist in the awesome novel by Bryce Courtenay, The Power of One.
Just sayin’…
and PK is a type of chewing gum ;-)Jen (in Oz)
About 30 some years ago, having been stationed in south korea, you would get the local gals coming in and using the facilities. unfortunately they were used to a hole in the ground. so instead of sitting they actually climbed upon the seat and left foot prints. and still did not sprinkle the seat.
AT LAST! I have been anxiously awaiting this. Not just since you announced it, but for the many years that I have worked in a building with public-access toilets. I’ve been wanting to post such a notice on the walls for as long as I can remember. Maybe I will! Ah yes, you may be a famous author right now for your massive books, but it’s the Butt Cootie essay that will cement your name in history.
Spud!! LOL!!! I adore your line, as follows: “Ah yes, you may be a famous author right now for your massive books, but it’s the Butt Cootie essay that will cement your name in history.”
I don’t know if I should feel sorry for Diana- or proud!
I would so love to have this in a “Cliff Notes” bullet point version so I can make a million copies and slap them on all ladies restroom stall doors! I have been guilty of hovering, but usually only because someone else has christened the toilet seat with their own holy water. And in my 35 years of life I should know to make sure the seat is sprinle-free before I sit on it, but on the rare occasion I manage to sit in somebody else’s urine… Very disturbing!
OMG!!!! ROFL!!!
Before I had lasik surgery (which, by the way, I regret at least twice a week) I wore progressive lenses. Since that, I no longer have the ‘reading lens’ to assist me and often, with the very bad lighting in the stall (which I believe is some sick man’s way of trying to hide the ‘jarring to the senses’ decorating so common) along with the fact that the doors open IN (another male design which, in very small stalls, impedes my ability to get IN the stall and when I’m in a hurry, getting in and the door closed is my top priority) I half the time, never saw the ‘evidence’ of the previous pee-er. Now, I can be dying, I’m in such a hurry, but I will still take the 15-30 seconds it takes to wipe the seat first. Because I’m not sure whether it’s the butt-cooties or the squishy sensation one gets when sitting on someone’s antisocial psychosis, as you so aptly put it, but I cringe now whenever I have to use the public restroom…which could be what adds to the fact that I’m in such a hurry when I finally decide to take a chance…
At the risk of exposing Too Much Information… WHY doesn’t everyone (tinklers and butt-cootie-fearers alike) simply cover the seat with toilet paper BEFORE they sit? Um, that’s what I do…
Diana,
Either they’re hoverers, or they’re my three year old daughter; despite her toddler footstool, she insists on sliiiiding on of that toilet seat, with the concurrent mess. (g)
Oh, and homonyms … just had my first looksee at the anthology in which my short story was published – seems my chaise lounge is now a “chase” lounge. Gotta laugh (and I guess comparativley few will know the difference!)
Rachel,
I think that’s a bit odd because I don’t pronounce “chaise” (shayz) and “chase” (chays – rhymes with “race”) the same. Doesn’t that mean they’re not homonyms?
The homonym mix up that really bugs me is sight/site/cite – particularly when it appears in an email or web-post… often from those people who would, instead of saying “ta-da!” to make an announcement, say “walla!” [G]
Jen in Oz
You made me laugh and I agree with you 100%. There is nothing worse than see the mess that some people leave on a toilet seat…..GROSS!
AMEN! Simple solution…sit your booty on the seat and do your business! As a scientist in my previous life as well (before dd’s arrived) I often have this conversation with friends and acquaintances. I realized I had succeeded in reaching SOMEONE when my 8 yo dd informed a friend in the lav at school that you get more germs from shaking hands than sitting your booty on the toilet seat. She also reprimanded the friends for using a “ridiculous amount” of t.p. to line the seat and wipe. She told her to be more “environmentally conscious”. Tee hee! Our rule of the house…two squares for pee and three for poo…
Thanks for the laughter and support!
Dear Diana:
I have been having DG withdrawals and most apprehensive I would miss a new posting as I am departing (in the early a.m.) for vacation (to Yosemite and NO! we are not bringing technology other than iPods). Thank goodness you posted, and what a delight — it’s the long awaited, “ABDEB-C.”
Diana, I believe I was traumatized in early childhood by my well-meaning mother who told me never to sit on a public toilet seat for fear of contracting some disease. So terrified was I that I ended up not being able to use a public convenience until I was in my late 30′s. I could hold “water” like a camel. I did relax my guard during my trips to Europe because of the matrons installed in the facilities there. Now, sadly, my fear of butt-cooties has taken a back seat (so to speak) to the rising concern of being caught on some sicko’s spying device cleverly planted in a public toilet. And, if caught with my pants down, I wouldn’t be viewed on Girls Gone Wild, it would be some freaky fetish site.
Midge
I, too, had the Asian Toilet Experience, lo so many years ago. I would be washing my hands at the sink and see the top of my Chinese teacher’s head rise A B O V E the stall door, and the sink D O W N again.
It also threw a wrench into the American/Western custom of looking under the stall door for feet to determine if said stall is occupied. Ooops! Pardon me Respected Chinese Teacher!
The mazing thing about these Chinese toilets was that if one was game enough to actually sit (a challenge because the seat proper had been removed . . . too dangerous when one is standing on such a movable seat, one could not, in fact, shut the stall door as there was not enough room for one’s femur.
Aren’t toilet stories the best?!
Amazing that we think we are at the top of the evolutionary chain. That is until you walk into a public bathroom. Then you see how nasty-nasty-nasty human beings can be.
The concept of self flushing toilet’s is a good one if they work, but unfortunately they don’t half the time. I absolutely hate to walk in and see what someone else ate or drank the following day. There is a back-up button to push if it dosn’t flush immediately. PUSH IT!
Off topic: I’m not going to read anymore excerpts on Echo of the Bone until the book comes out. I was always one who couldn’t wait to turn to the next page and when there is no more page to turn in the excerpt, it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under me. So!(until the next excerpt comes out) I’m not going to read anymore of them.
I was doing a pretty good job of getting my mind off Jamie and Claire by reading tons of other books. POW! one excerpt and I’m back to comparing them to characters in other books. Not fair!
Well done and highly entertaining!
As I’ve worked in a (fairly popular) retail establishment… Well, I normally trekked to one of the less popular restrooms. (If I could manage, the one in the stockroom.) I’ll trade a few paper towels on the floor or a raised seat (again, the stockroom) for a clean seat.
Glad to see something from you!
As far as I’m concerned, the only reason for anybody NOT to plant their butt firmly on the seat is in the (extremely unlikely) event that there’s a rattlesnake in the toilet bowl — a la Claire’s experience in DRUMS [g]. And as for people who leave messes for the next person: That’s just disgusting. I mean, really, what’s so hard about wiping up after yourself?
Karen
P.S. To sharaf – welcome to the club! [g] I used to devour every excerpt I could get my hands on. I swore off ECHO excerpts in mid-December and have managed (more or less) to avoid them since. But it’s not easy.
OMG…That was not only funny, but informative!
I agree that women who hover should have the decency to, at the very LEAST, wipe up their own mess.
How can we as a gender complain about MEN who have aiming issues, when we have our own?
Oh, and on a different subject, is anyone going to Tulsa for Conestoga in July(besides you, Diana!)?
Thanks for a giggle this morning, Diana. As ever, you provide a witty, intelligent commonsensical approach to just about any subject.
You have also made me feel just a tad better about germs; I have always been a practical person who is not afraid to “just sit” on a public toilet seat, and now a scientist has confirmed that I was right all along!
My greatest danger of icky bathroom experiences is at home, however, where I have a 5-year-old son with poor aim who does not put the seat up before he does his business. Ick.