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Pam’s "Ode to a Penis"


(As in—I did NOT write this—proud though I would have been to do so [g]. No, no—this is the stellar handiwork of Ms. Pamela Patchet, multi-winner of the Surrey International Writers Conference Silly Poetry Contest, Honorable Mention (more than once) in the Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest, and holder of many other distinguished titles, I’m sure. Many thanks to Pam for giving me permission to post her poem here!)


How does a writer describe the aroused male member in a romance novel without tarnishing the family jewels?

Despite thousands of words used to describe Wee Willy Winkie (Mark Morton lists 1,300 in his book The Lover’s Tongue: A Merry Romp Through The Language Of Love And Sex), none seem to adequately convey the language of love, with its most obvious method of delivery, without giggles. One might argue the biggest organ of love is the brain, but a man’s brain is not the organ which makes its presence most boldly known in the throes of passion.

But how does a writer of romance describe ‘It’ without ruining the moment? There’s no denying ‘It’ is there – its presence is as keenly felt as the relentless prodding of a Labrador’s nose against an outstretched hand.

One might wish to use a soft touch and describe a poet’s Dart of Love. A knight shields his Lance of Love, his Excalibur seeks its sheath. A fighting man thrusts his Hooded Warrier, or if angered, his Bald Avenger. The CEO fires his Executive Staff Member, the chef heats up his Meat ‘n Potatoes, the outdoorsman handles his Rod and Tackle, and the butcher unwraps his 100% All Beef Thermometer.

No, I think for romance to work, allusion is everything. I humbly offer up the following poem:

Ode to a Penis


Advice For Romance Writers

I think that I shall never see,

a penis lovely as a tree.

Though both can be described at length,

it’s best you don’t.

Please show some strength.

For ample members are best left

(even when one’s hands are deft)

untouched by writers’ florid prose,

whether roused,

or in repose.

So drop the little one-eyed snake,

of other things you should partake.

Admittedly, they do enthrall,

but after one, you’ve seen ‘em all.

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33 Responses »

  1. I can’t believe I’m sitting here on a Sunday morning with this little rhyme running over and over in my head. My mother, of all people, first told me of it.

    ” In the summer time
    when it’s hot and sticky,
    that’s no time for dunk’n dickie.

    In the fall,
    when the frost is on the
    that’s the time for dickie

    I suppose she thought this was some sage advice for her daughter.

  2. Sharaf,
    Perhaps you are correct – he was not what one would call well-endowed. Though it was not just his penis he called dinker. All penises were dinkers.

    And no, I am not offended. I try not to take offense at anything anyone says/writes. Especially about sex and the different ways/ideas/preferences people have in regard to it. (^_^)

    Seriously though, I think that there isn’t anything that cannot or should not be discussed – at least by adults (and much should be discussed with children but most people are too embarrassed or cautious. If more was discussed I think fewer mistakes might be made by the children – maybe. Then again, no amount of discussion would have deterred me as a child/adolescent when I decided I wanted something or someone…) Discussion is how we learn new things and assemble our own viewpoints. And in true Descartes form – our viewpoints make up a great deal of who we are since, more often than not, they guide our actions and interactions, even (perhaps especially) when we do not realize they are doing so.
    Discussion and interaction between humans more fully makes us human. “One can acquire everything in solitude – except character.” [Marie Henri Beyle - French biographer & novelist (1783 - 1842)]

    Oops – oh, well. I suppose a little philosophy belongs in a conversation about penises. I sure do like the mix.


  3. Monta:
    Ah! the philosophy of sex.
    When I was growing up in the 50′s we had a neighbor down our street that had um’teen (at least twelve and counting) kids. They lived in an old two story house that had not seen paint since it was built decades before. The children were half fed and you could only describe them as “feral”. I doubt he even knew or cared who they were.
    Someone took it upon themself to ask the man why didn’t he stop having kids. His philosophical answer was “the way I see it, it’s the only pleasure a poor man has.”
    It just makes your jaw drop doesn’t it. Sad to say, I imagine this philosophy was perpetuated for many generations.

  4. I can hear my mother’s voice saying, “all right, that’s enough of that now!”

    Sorry, Diana. I feel like I’ve opened Pandora’s Box (no pun intended) and now you know why I have the reputation of being the family sh!t disturber. Back to the topic of writing!


  5. OMG!

    What I miss when I don’t check for a few days!

    LOVE IT!

  6. Pam dearest,

    Beth, I believe your penis started this.

    Lack of a penis, actually. Lack of a description of a penis, to be tediously precise.

  7. Well, Beth, as I recall a certain incident on a certain elevator at a certain conference with a certain fan who had certainly consumed an excessive amount of alcohol, the actual description of the organ in question is unnecessary anyway.

    “Ish all in the book, ish alllll in the book.” (g)


  8. Hi,

    LOL, this is great.

    I write romance too and bought several books on how to write the sex scene and they all pretty much said don’t use the “P” word!


  9. Oh my goodness…………you people are HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!

  10. I fully agree with the above sentiments! What, exactly, is wrong with the word penis?

    My husband is a medical professional, and as such, we taught our boys the actual term for each of their body parts.When one of my sons was in the 3rd grade he expressed concern when one of his classmates was hit in the groin area by a soccer ball at recess. I believe his exact words were “Ow, your penis!”. He was promply grabbed by the recess attendant and marched to the principals office, where he received a referral and one day in school suspension for using obsenity!!!

    My husband and I were incensed, and fought this all the way up to the superintendant, but were told that it is up to the principal of the school to decide what is appropriate and what is not. I asked, over and over again, what the problem was with the word penis. To me, it is the same as expressing concern over the classmates leg or elbow! My husband went to the school to talk to the particular teacher who heard this on the playground, to ask him why he felt the need to take our son to the principal and my husband said this teacher, who was a MAN, could not even say the word to my husband in their conversation. He continuously turned red in the face and stammered. I just do not understand how anyone, but men in particular, could take offense at someone using the correct anatomical term for the penis??

    Sorry for my long rant, apparently I am still sensitive on this subject, even though it happened 4 years ago.

  11. I thought it best to teach my two year old daughter the appropriate anatomical name for her baby brother’s penis when she asked me to identify same – little did I know that the entire daycare would hear it the next day when she pointed to a toddler (in the midst of a diaper change) and announced – “Oh look – he has a little bitty penis – not a great big penis like my brother..” That took some explaining….

  12. All this talk of penises just makes me wanna get to know my husband’s better!!!

  13. Thanks for finally writing about >Pam

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